High on Something

I went into my kitchen to bake a cake one day, and I got out a mix. I read the list of needed ingredients.

1 1/3 cups water, 1/3 cup oil, and 3 large eggs. Check, check, and check. I live at high altitude, though, so before I started, I read the fine print at the bottom that told me how to adjust the recipe for elevation.
"MIX AS DIRECTED ABOVE EXCEPT USING 1 1/3 CUPS WATER, 1/3 CUP OIL, AND 3 EGGS." I looked back at the ingredients up top to see the difference.

These people have a funny definition of the word "except."

Kills Germs*!

Him: What's next on the list?

Her: Some wipes to kill germs.

Him: Dear, I found some wipes that say “Kills Germs.” Oh, wait, there's an asterisk. Um, “Kills 99.9% of some bacteria on hard, non-porous surfaces.”

Her: Only 99.9%?

Him: Yeah, and only on hard, non-porous surfaces.

Her: Does that include my smart phone? How about the counter? What if I need to kill germs on the couch?

Him: I think the couch is out. Let's check the name brand!

Oh, Let Me Count The Ways

1. Government regulation strikes again! Cheese contains milk. Hmmm, ya don't say?
2. It also has more wandering quotation marks: " 'Caution'."
3. And what the heck are "ingridients?" Any relation to Ingrid Bergman?

Big Value's motto: "We save you money by hiring people who have no idea how to spell or use quotation marks correctly."

Nefarious Quotation Marks

"Unplug it"

1. Always "Unplug it" after use.

The meaning of all this is really good advice, but why is "unplug it" in quotation marks? Does that mean that you're not really supposed to unplug it? Just pretend to unplug it?

Warning: Product as Advertised

Ah, government regulations. The government keeps trying to save us from our own stupidity in so many ways! Thanks to food allergy regulations, we get labels that look like this:
"Hazelnut spread with cocoa
Made with skim milk"

And on the back:
"Contains: Milk and hazelnuts."

You don't say. Gee, I just thought they called it that because it sounded good.

Washing Machine Safety

Wow, I'm glad they told me. And here I thought it would be a great way to save labor on washing my kids. Well, maybe I'll have to use it for my dog. Or my cat. I bet he'd really love it!